Saturday, January 29, 2011
Superbowl looms. Ladies, start your eye rolls.
It's that time of year again...when every man I've ever known, do know or will ever hope to know prepares to join balls and brains with his brethren for a day of football, beer and trading insults with a reactionless, big screen television. It's what I like to call Girlfriend Season, when I really start to appreciate the vaginas of the world (Lindsay Lohan being the obvious exception).
I don't know about you, but there are many annoying things about Superball day. I've come up with a few how-to tips to fight fire with fire during these moments, and welcome you to share your own. I will take all the advice I can get.
1. The Beer Commercials.
It won't take long for these predictable spots to get right back where they left off, with guys laughing like mental patients and pretending to be sensitive and thoughtful but really only thinking of their beer, or hiding a supermodel somewhere. This is the perfect time to use all that psychology information you learned in college, ladies. Every time you hear the word "dude" in a beer commercial, bring up something related to your period. Tampons, cramps--it's all golden, trust me. By halftime, they'll involuntarily want to get away from the television when these commercials come on, and you can turn the channel to something less insulting--like Two And A Half Men.
2. The Game.
Inevitably, you'll be talking to a guy about something interesting when a major play happens. He'll cut you off, jumping up to yell and either high-five another guy or throw something in disgust. Your only option is to start performing random acts of your own, like the equally annoying "Whoo-hoo!" call of the skank, or thrill everyone in the room with a catfight. Look at it as a way to take out aggression and get your man's attention back. That's what we call a win-win.
3. The Post-Game Interview.
This will take some planning, but promise your guy that you'll give 110 percent where it counts, if he doesn't make you sit through another interview with a player from the winning team. Tell him you'll keep doing what you do as long as it takes, that it's a team effort, and you'll be happy just to be there. He won't get the irony--but maybe you'll get to skip the mental trauma of hearing another quarterback's lame comments.
I realize this is all very cliche, but what can I say? It's not my fault SoapNet is sponsored by Jenny Craig, and it's not my fault most guys really do act like idiots when watching the Superbowl. Got any advice on how to make it through the day? I'm listening.