Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bieber Fever Breaks, Thank God

This past summer, I somehow contracted a very frightening — and confusing — disease. It has taken me this many months just to be able to share the details, because I didn’t want to admit what I was going through to anyone. But in hopes of sparing another young woman the experience, I’m coming forward with a message of hope, and a warning that just may save your life.

Like most survivors, I never thought in my wildest Joaquin-Phoenix-didn’t-go-this-far dreams that I would contract Bieber Fever. Even now, it doesn’t seem possible. I am old enough to be his…aunt. Yet one listen to “Somebody to Love,” and I found myself defending his music to the masses. He has a certain old-soul quality to him, I said. He’s got — you know, swagger.

What he has is more money than I’ll ever hope to collect in a lifetime, and a hairstylist who needs to take a sabbatical. And now I can’t push one button on my remote without seeing that kid’s face. Unlike the Biebers of my day — the New Kids on the Block — he doesn’t know his place in the world. (That should have been obvious when I learned the name of his album, “My World.”) My Boston boys sang age-appropriate music with titles like “Candy Girl” and “Hangin’ Tough,” which would clearly never be taken seriously by anyone old enough to vote. Not Bieber. While the titles of his songs seem tween enough, written for the text generation, his lyrics are anything but innocent.

Consider his latest audio assault, “U Smile”:
You are my ins and my means now…
With you there’s no in between…
I’m all in…
Cause my cards are on the table.

Who talks like that? Certainly no normal 16-year-old. More importantly, I want to know who is sponsoring this kid. Jerry Maguire? Next he’ll be singing that I complete him, when it’s really puberty he should be talking to.

I blame Justin Timberlake. Had he not left me all summer without any new recordings, I might never have been tempted to listen to Bieber in the first place. Luckily, my senses returned once he began to oversaturate himself and he actually agreed to star in a 3-D movie about himself.

I don’t want you to worry; I actually think there’s little chance of contracting Bieber Fever at this point. His debut on CSI: Criminal Scene Investigation has already aired. But just to be safe, in order to avoid the same fate as me, I think it only appropriate to take advice from the least Bieber-like role model I know: Ice Cube. So ladies, if you want to avoid the Bieber fever, listen to me now and check yourself before you wreck yourself.

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